I DON’T WANT TO

As I work this slow climb up the mountain of recovery from the depths of an underworld of depression, I struggle against relapse. I lack motivation towards keep going. The mess grows out of control like an untamed monster let loose on an unsuspecting defenseless village. Hurt and pain of guilt of not being good enough eat away at my energy to accomplish. My four year is in need of attention. Every day checklist items span the whole days worth of time. How do I get ahead, and on top of my obligations? My finances are so tight they choke the life out of me with the weight of stress. It presses on my heart so that I can’t let my passion flow through my veins.

Real help cost money. and those who try or want to help are not qualified. It leaves me alone and isolated from others. My problems are only bigger than they should be, simply because they are stacked on top of each other in a random unorganized mess. This mess is like that of a thief who stole my hopes and dreams and upturned all the other things that didn’t matter scattered everywhere. Leaving the false sense of security of believing that I knew what I was doing with my life, shattered.

Is it really that bad? I doubt it, but the feelings alone create this. I must remain calm and clear headed. Not wanting to clean is when I should. Not wanting to exercise is when I should. Not wanting to cook to eat healthy and keep food in budget is when I should.

I’m not alone in suffering. But why are we suffering? I want to help others. I feel witchcraft is my answer simply because it has helped save my life before. I want others in this world to build faith. It doesn’t need to be faith in witchcraft, but faith in who they are. Faith in others, like people and the world around us. Faith in something beyond them.

I lose time and ability to do what needs done. I sit exhausted. I am trapped in the not doing. I lose personal power in this. I end up wondering why. Why should I get better? Why should I even try? Why am I like this? Why is it so bad?

There as somethings that I do know: If something is too hard or complicated, then break it into smaller bits. True power lies in being organized. Positive end of the magnet is the stronger one. Decide and work towards a goal. Turn your handicaps into your powerful assets. Stay constant even when it is bad because then it will get good. People are both good and bad. There is no good and evil. Purpose is what we each need in our lives. too much of a good thing is bad. Never stop learning.

Hate comes from anger; anger comes from fear; fear comes from not knowing.

So how do I do this? I start this day not so well. I proud of the fact that I crawled out of bed.  But I didn’t do much I watched Netflix. I made coffee. I fed the Cats and some how got my youngest awake, I don’t know how. It was later than should have been. By a couple hours. I served donuts for breakfast.

I managed to write out today’s to do list. I tried to keep it small. I feel better after spell work. I wrote this out to help me get stuff off my chest. It is my belief that if I can clear this I can do what needs done today with a clear head, and heart.  My goal is to clear off the table and the desks so that we can get to lunch and arts and crafts to sell.  I need money in desperate measure. Only I know it’s not the money I’m working for but the ability to handle the price of our lifestyle. I put my little Princess to work doing what I’m doing she is choosing to play instead of writing in a notebook. I don’t blame her. The more I’m able to do the more she will follow in my foot steps. Of all the things to stress out about I won’t stress out about this. I will set my goals to have the table cleaned to eat lunch at.  I plan on prepping dinner at lunch.

There are many distractions but I need to keep at it. Put everything else aside so that all I do is my task. My youngest will learn from what I do as I help her learn and do the everyday task so that she can do it to.

I want to make my worth for all I do have. I have a roof over my head. Electricity. I have my youngest. I have food, and clean water. Internet, oh my dear internet. I have a phone to call my eldest kids. I am thankful that they are healthy.

Keep going it won’t always be this bad. You and I am not alone. We can discover the power to be better. To have a better quality of life. I have faith.

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