I’m up, what more do you want?

I haven’t been satisfied with the way my life was for a long time. As much as I have people in my life that I love more than life itself. Even though I’m appreciate of the roof over my family’s head, and with it the needs being provided for. There is the constant fear that it could all come out from under me. There is the strive for a more stable footing. There is a better life I have never tasted. I know there is more to life than what I have or am doing with it. There is no doubt in my mind.

Now I am no longer satisfied with what I’m doing with my part in my life. Falling into sad and weak patterns of excuses and laziness leading to failure sour into a rotten fruit in my mouth. I want to do more. I want to be more. I want to be stronger, faster, smarter, wiser, more truly confident. I want to be far more capable than before. I’m growing to big for my bad habits. Still dragging a bag of flesh out of bed in my own accord is a feat worth mentioning.

I have the intent, now where is the know how? My parents left me with no training in that aspect. My very hard working Father whom provides for his family beyond what should be asked for. (You know, dealing with a house of crazy women.) Only gets up to go to work and come home to wait on his abusive wife hand and foot.

I don’t want to live to work. I want to work to live. I want to fill this need for better. To be able to provide instead of desperate to be provided for. So now that I’m up what do I do? I have my two oldest home for The summer where they belong. So now when I don’t get a task done, or even done on time it’s a bigger consequence. I hate letting people down. I hate letting my kids down even more. Not having money to provide them hurts and causes a deeper sense of worry and stress. The stakes are higher. I see their flaws as a reflection of my own failures. I see more and more how this lifestyle of not being out there and doing adventures isn’t fitting with us. I see how their go to is sitting there waiting for the next thing to do, rather than taking the controls and knowing what to do with their time and life. Seeing them not want to seek out knowledge and truth hurts. I see and know they are so smart. Thirst of knowledge is not in their reach. Yet I hear them ask questions expecting me to know all the answers. Why go look it up if I know it all. Finding out that there is more to learn out in the world too late is a painful thing. I know that they are going to get not just a taste for learning but a true hunger like no other. And when it showes up, what if I’m not there to show them how to gain the skill of finding knowledge. Because wanting to know and learn with out knowing how to get it is like looking at a glass of water in the desert on the hottest day of the year without being able to drink it. Even if you haven’t had a drop all day.  I can’t let them go through that. I watch my little clones zombie their way through the day in that what looks like a hippie glaze, and I want so desperately want to help them. I’ve been there, done that. I’ve been the kid that was trained to think I was too stupid, ugly, and worthless to even want to keep going. To find out it was a lie hurt more than infliction upon my body. I had to learn that the mind, body, heart, and soul needed to heal.


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